Okay, so I’ve always had this thing for Gwyneth Paltrow. Call it what you will – a girl crush, a representation of someone I will never be – but there’s always been a place in my heart for Gwynnie, aka “Fishsticks”. When did this first happen? Hmm…probably right around the time she was in Emma and Sliding Doors and I totally thought she was British.
Shortly after that, I realized that she in fact wasn’t British and was dating Brad Pitt. I was slightly disappointed, not only because she was a boring American, but because I knew that Brad Pitt would totally chew her up and spit her out. Which he did.
When Gwynnie started dating Ben Affleck, I was thrilled. Why, you ask? What was so special about Ben Affleck that made me so happy for her? Well, he was best friends with Matt Damon, for starters.
But what really made me like Ben and Gwyn was that for once it seemed like she was happy with him. After seeming so depressed and homeless with Mr. Pitt, it was refreshing to see her smiling and laughing in pictures again.
But alas, it seemed Mr. Affleck was holding Gwynnie back, especially after she won this thing called an Oscar for this little movie called Shakespeare in Love. Apparently that movie was a big deal to her, and therefore a big deal to the entire world. She was now more famous than her “screenwriter” boyfriend, thanks to some guy named William Shakespeare.
Well, after seeing her playing another British person (no wonder everyone was confused!), it was nice to see her in an American role, this time playing an American living in Italy engaged to some British guy I had never heard of.
But it didn’t happen. Which is probably a good thing, given all the crap that Mr. Law has done on the side, aka fathering maids’ babies. But it was after this movie when I realized that Gwynnie was the greatest thing to have ever walked this earth. And when Duets came out – don’t worry, only about five people in this world saw it – it just cemented the whole thing. Not because Duets is a good movie – because it’s not – but because Gwynnie finally showed the world that she can sing like a superstar.
Winning an Oscar, however, took its toll on Fishsticks. Gywneth admitted this to the world on her best friend Oprah’s show shortly afterwards, explaining that she was sick for months and couldn’t get out of bed. So she consulted her other best friend Madonna (seriously, do her best friends only go by one name??), who got her through those rough months by teaching her Kabbalah and Buddism and all that shiz, and teaching her how to eat right (RAW FOOD).
So Gwynnie took some much deserved time off, doing a random movie here and there, but still taking it easy. She got married to a British guy – a singer this time, from some group called Coldplay – and together they started a family.
And here’s where Gwynnie slowly started to lose her grip on reality.
First off, she named her first kid Apple. And I’m sorry, I don’t care how creative and different you want to be, but you do not name your kid after a computer.
Or a fruit, for that matter.
And then she started this weird website called GOOP which, if you actually read through it, is totally insane. At first glance it just looks like a useful website for women with information about food and clothes and activities, etc. And then you realize that this is all from the point of view of a child who grew up in Hollywood with lots of money, an Oscar winner who was recently the most sought-after actress in America (and apparently Britain), and a mom who named her kid after something you came make into pies and sauce.
Bottom line? This website is TOTAL CRAP.
Oh, it’s entertaining all right. It’s fun to read about what weird raw, expensive food Gwynnie is having delivered to her mansion by some celebrity chef. It’s fun to read about how Fishsticks makes time to play with her kids (did I mention the other kid’s name is Moses? How biblical.) by planning huge parties for them with all their schoolmates (apparently just sitting on the couch and watching Dora the Explorer doesn’t happen at the Martin/Paltrow household). And it’s fun to try to relate my typical day to a typical Gwyneth Paltrow Martin day.
“When I am given the all clear I rush out the door, headed to rehearse with a band to prepare for the Country Music Awards which are just a week away. I’ve never performed live before so I’m preparing for this as if it were the Superbowl, which, in it’s own way, it is.”
And this is my favorite:
“The kids indulge in a super sugary cupcake before bed but I don’t feel too bad because they had a brown rice stir fry for dinner with baked sweet potato on the side. It’s all about balance!”
Yes, Fishsticks. It’s all about balance.
It’s a relief to know that Gwyneth Paltrow is not a real human being. Back in the day I used to want to be her because, well, she could pretend to be British if she wanted to. But wanting to be like Gwynnie is a lot of work, to be honest. But now I know that she’s actually a robot, well, that’s a lot of stress off of me. I can now watch her appearance on Glee without that sharp pang of “oh, I’m not good enough to live…she’s singing Ceelo now!” because I know that she’s a robot.
Did I mention that her besties are Oprah and Madonna? Her best friends are two of the richest women in the entire world. I wouldn’t be surprised if J.K. Rowling reads books to IBM and Abraham every night. Because in Gwynnie’s life, crap like that is TOTALLY NORMAL. Which just goes to show you that Gwynnie is an alien.
So go ahead, subscribe to GOOP, like it on Facebook, follow it on Twitter…whatever. Read it like you’re reading some crazy sci-fi fantasy book, where nothing is real but everything sounds awesome. And don’t feel bad about yourself if you can’t achieve a single damn thing that Gwynnie can do in one day.
Because she’s a mythological creature from the land of Shambhala.
But she hides it well. Because it’s all about balance.