I know this is going to sound like a total cliché, but I hate spiders. Like, seriously HATE them. I’m not a killing person, but if I see a spider, I WILL MURDER IT.
Spiders, or arachnids (meaning eight-legged monster) are the one thing that will cause me physical paralysis. I’m serious, when I see a spider – doesn’t matter what size – I will not be able to move. For the first few moments of contact, all I can do is pray that it will suddenly disappear before my eyes.
They never do.
When I’m finally able to move, I look for the nearest thing to me with which I can throw at the spider. It has to be within reach, because if I take my eyes off of the spider for even one second, that sucker will be off and running, and for all I know it’s jumped onto my face and is ready to kill me.
As soon as I find something to kill it with, I will do whatever it takes to make sure the job gets done. If that means breaking a window because of the shoe I have to throw at it (true story), then so be it. Because if you expect me to go to bed with a rogue spider loose in the house, you’d be WRONG.
And even worse is the phenomenon I like to call Zombie Spider, where after you’re 100% sure you’d killed that spider to the point where it doesn’t even closely resemble a spider anymore, it’s suddenly gone. Like, the thing freaking GOT UP AND WALKED AWAY even though it doesn’t have any legs anymore.
I don’t know where this fear of spiders stems from – it’s not like I’ve had a horrifying, life-altering incident with a spider in my lifetime. But I know that millions of other people share this same phobia, so I know I’m not alone.
So, why am I suddenly writing about spiders? Well, I was planning on doing a post about some of the scariest movies I’ve seen, and then realized that only one movie causes paralyzing fear in me. I’m not saying other movies haven’t – The Texas Chainsaw Massacre , for example, remains to this day as the only movie that has ever made me scream out loud. The Blair Witch Project still makes me check every corner of the house. And The Strangers actually made me somewhat sick to my stomach because it was so uncomfortably horrifying.
But the movie that combines all those fears into one 90-minute terror fest contains just one word:
First off, let me just state that when this movie came out in 1990, it was marketed as a comedy. A COMEDY!!!! Like deadly spiders who bite your hand while you’re eating popcorn is something to laugh about??? I hope they got hate mail from people who couldn’t sleep at night anymore because they thought they were seeing a FREAKING COMEDY.
The premise of the movie is simple: a new family moves to town, and the dad (Ross) becomes the small town’s new doctor. Then suddenly all these people start dying, and while the townspeople don’t know what’s causing the deaths, we as an audience know because the film actually makes us watch these spiders attack these poor victims. We know these spiders are deadly because we saw them kill at the beginning of the movie down in the Amazon forest, and then saw one of the spiders get shipped off to America, thus procreating an entire army of deadly spiders.
Of course all the people dying just happened to be patients of Ross, so everyone thinks he’s some kind of witch doctor. He starts to think these people were killed by spider bites, and then we find out that he’s more scared of spiders than anyone else in the world.
Of all the towns in the world to become a doctor…
The final battle of the movie comes down to Ross and the Spider Queen, who’s a little pissed off that he’s trying to kill all her kids. But she has to realize that her kids have taken over the ENTIRE HOUSE, thus making escape impossible for Ross’s family. This scene is horrifying for any arachnophobe to watch, because the spiders are EVERYWHERE. They’re coming out of the walls, they’re covering the floor, they’re piling out of the bathroom sink, and as an audience we’re just sitting there because a) we can’t move due to extreme terror and b) we’re afraid we’ve peed our pants and don’t want the whole world to know.
And then just as we think the world itself has ended and spiders now rule the earth, Ross – with some help from John Goodman, who plays a bad-ass exterminator – destroys the Queen and her disgusting egg sack and everything burns, and the spiders are gone forever.
Ross and his family move back to San Francisco because it took a deadly spider attack to make them realize that they like city life way better, and they’d much rather die in an earthquake then be covered by 5000 spiders. And I don’t blame them one bit.
This movie seriously scares the crap out of me. I can’t even write this post without getting chills up and down my body, imagining some spider hiding behind the computer, just waiting to make his move.
Because they can jump, you know.
RIGHT ON YOUR FACE.
Happy watching (out for spiders)!