Posted in Watching Movies

Why Remaking “The Goonies” Would Totally Suck

It seems that nowadays Hollywood is all a-twitter with remakes of 80s movies, what with Red Dawn coming out soon, as well as a new Dirty Dancing (which I refuse to see).  And those are just the Patrick Swayze/Jennifer Grey movies that are being remade.  Who knows what else lies in store for us when 2013 comes around.

I’ve written about how good movies shouldn’t get remade before, using Back to the Future as a reference.  Yes, it would be AWFUL if that movie got remade.  But can you imagine what would happen if Hollywood got their hands on another classic?

Can you imagine what would happen if they got their hands on The Goonies??????

Look at how frightened they are!

The Goonies, of course, is one of the best kids movies ever made.  Released in 1985, it starred a young Sean Astin, Corey Feldman, and Josh Brolin, among other awesome kid talents.  Oh, and it was FUNNY.  Seriously, that movie makes me laugh more than any other movie made for kids, starring kids.  And the reason why it was so funny was because Hollywood got away with so much more in the 80s.  Back in the 80s, kids could swear in a PG movie.  If a kid swears in a movie these days, you best be sure that movie gets a PG-13 rating.

We’re all crying, Chunk.

And that’s one of the reasons why remaking The Goonies today would be such a bad idea, on top of the fact that they’d be ruining a classic by remaking it in the first place.  I know that sounds kinda bad – a funny is more funny because kids say bad words – but it’s true.  Admit it – all the parts that make you laugh are when Chunk says “s***”.

Like when this happens.

If they were to remake it today, they could still have the kids swear – but it wouldn’t be PG.  And since they would be aiming the movie towards kids, they’d have to make it PG.  Which means no kids would be swearing.  Which means there would be no penis jokes.  Which means pretty much every line that Corey Feldman, aka “Mouth”, says would have to change.

Cruising the coast, sniffing some lace, downing the brews.

For example, let’s take the scene where Mrs. Walsh asks Mouth to translate everything she says to their new maid, who only speaks Spanish.  She thinks Mouth is telling Rosalita all about the house and the chores she’ll need to do.  Mouth, however, tells Rosalita about where Mr. Walsh hides all his sexual torture devices, how to separate all the drugs (marijuana in the top drawer, cocaine and speed in the second, heroin in the bottom), and if she does a bad job she’ll be locked up with the cockroaches.

That scene probably wouldn’t happen today in a PG kids flick, at least the parts about sexual torture devices and drugs.  But if you tone down the dialogue that scene, it’s not as funny anymore.

Which would make a new Goonies movie utterly crappy.

Another thing that sets The Goonies apart from kids movies today is the way parents were portrayed.  In the 80s parents were usually portrayed as non-existent, perhaps referring to the whole “latch-key kid” syndrome in which both parents worked and kids were left alone that was prevalent in the 80s.  I feel like nowadays movies try to portray parents as being more involved as a way of keeping up with the times.  But the reason why The Goonies worked in 1985 was because the parents had absolutely nothing to do with the story.  These kids went on these adventures by themselves, and the parents were rarely shown.  And that was totally okay!

Nothing personal, but we don’t want to see you until the very end.

But if The Goonies was remade today, they would probably try harder to portray the parents as caring adults who are worried that their kids are gone all day.  They would be shown calling them on their iPhones, making sure they’re okay, scared to death that some scary Italian mobsters are trying to kill them…and suddenly the parents are a part of the plot of the story, which would take the story away from the kids.  And that would be NO FUN AT ALL.

Hollywood’s usual argument for remaking movies is the upgrade in technology.  “But we can make the effects look so much better!”  And while that may be true, I think we all know that better effects don’t make the remake any better.  George Lucas did it with Star Wars, yet most people (the purists) prefer the old style of effects.  The Goonies, however, wasn’t about effects.  The effects that it did have were the “real” effects that made the Indiana Jones movies so great – it wasn’t about CGI, it was about smoke and mirrors.  So do redo The Goonies and use CGI would not only make it lame, but it would make it unbelieveable.  We believed all the effects in the movie because they were all organic.

100% Pirate, 100% Real

Now I know you must be thinking, “Come on, they’re really not going to remake The Goonies, are they?”  Well, as of right now…it doesn’t really look like it.  For a while there was a talk of making a sequel that would star the same cast as the original.  And that probably would have been pretty cool.   But despite the fact that Steven Spielberg and Richard Donner (the ones behind the original) were pushing for it, the plans fell through.  And because of that, there was talk that they would just remake the first one instead.

Not gonna happen.

That was in 2010, and I haven’t heard anything since then.  Which is a good sign.  Apparently they’re too busy going through the Swayze/Grey songbook to worry about pirate ships and buried treasure right now.

But don’t be surprised if it does eventually, even if it does go straight to video.  And when that day happens, don’t be surprised if a tiny piece of your soul leaves you, never to return.

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Author:

I have way too much information floating around in my head, which is why I write things down. I find that books, movies, music, and television are much more interesting than my local news.

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