Another month is drawing to a close, and that means another chance for me to share with you the new movies I’ve watched over the past four weeks. It was a mixed bag this month, though nothing truly knocked my socks off the way Les Miserables did last month. In fact, I don’t think I saw anything remotely great…just sort of good…and sort of bad.
I started the month off with a movie I once swore I would never see solely based on the fact that it was a remake of an already awesome movie, especially one that looked exactly the same as the original. So I had reeeeeally low expectations going into this one. But guess what. I didn’t hate it! In fact, I think I may have actually liked it a little. And you wanna know the weird reason why I liked it? Because it looked exactly the same as the first one. I’m talking same shots, same dialogue, even some same dance moves. I think it was because it was so familiar to me already that I enjoyed watching it. The main guy who plays Ren, Kenny Wormald, whom I had never heard of until this, is a fantastic dancer (much better than Kevin Bacon), and Julianne Hough, while not my favorite person in the world, isn’t completely horrible. All in all it was rather enjoyable, dance scenes were fun to watch, and I still got to hear the line “Jump back”, which is kinda worth it.
Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam (2010)
I’m a fan of the first Camp Rock movie, and while I was excited to see its sequel, it took me quite a while to actually sit down and watch it. I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as the first, and I was right. It wasn’t horrible – it had its moments, usually when Demi Lovato was singing, but I liked the story of the first one better. And to be honest, I was rather distracted by the relationship between Demi and Joe Jonas. Not their relationship on screen, but OFF screen, and knowing what I know now. All I could think about was how he dumped her and then she started cutting herself and became bulimic. Of course I don’t know if that was a direct cause, but I kept looking at her wrists for cut marks and would think things like, “I wonder if she made herself throw up after this scene.” That makes me sound horrible. I really like Demi Lovato, and I’m sad that she went through such a hard time. And I don’t like Joe Jonas. So that whole thing mayhave ruined the viewing of the movie. But, you know, it was okay.
I admit, I was slightly curious to see how Taylor Lautner would do in a role that WASN’T Jacob Black. That’s pretty much the only reason why I watched the movie. It’s about a high school kid who finds out that he was kidnapped as a little kid, kind of like Stephen Dorff in that awesome Lifetime movie from 1990 Always Remember I Love You, but kind of totally different. And apparently him knowing that he was abducted is REALLY bad. So Jacob Black hooks up with Lily “My Eyebrows are Insane” Collins and the two go on the run because the people who kill his fake parents (Lucious Malfoy and the scary Coyote Ugly bar owner) are now after him. So basically it’s just Jacob Black running with Eyebrows and making out on trains and going to Pirates’ baseball games. It was entertaining, I guess, if you aren’t distracted by eyebrows and the thought that Jacob Black might turn into a werewolf at any given second.
Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers / Return to Horror High (1988/1987)
So, I was in the mood to watch really bad horror movies a few weeks ago, and since Netflix is filled with them I had many to choose from. The first one I watched is a sequel to one I’m pretty sure I saw back in high school, but like the Friday the 13th movies they’re all kind of the same so it’s hard to tell. Basically the plot is that one of the camp counselors (who is actually the killer from the first movie – they just went through electroshock therapy and got a sex change – FOR REALS) starts killing all of the campers who are “bad”. It’s pretty obvious from the first few minutes which ones will literally get the ax and which one will be the sole survior. It was totally horrible, from the dialogue to the acting – painful, even – but I guess that’s what makes them so much to watch. You can’t take any of it seriously. Not even when the main character (the Killer) is played by Bruce Springsteen’s sister (I’m serious. Her name is Pamela Springsteen).
While the makers of Sleepaway Camp 2 probably knew that they were making a piece of crap, I honestly think the makers of Return to Horror High thought they were making something good. Which it wasn’t. The premise: a group of filmmakers film a horror on set of a high school where a bunch of real-life murders happened. And of course crazy stuff starts happening on set. People get killed in all sorts of silly ways. The end. You can tell they thought their dialogue was witty (it wasn’t). You can tell they thought the acting was good (it wasn’t – except for George Clooney, who’s in it for about five minutes and then gets killed off). It was just bad, but not in the good bad that Sleepaway Camp 2 was…just bad. But you can tell that Clooney was headed for stardom after that role. Seriously. Should have won an Oscar.
Bel Ami (2012)
This movie may as well have been titled Robert Pattinson Has Sex with Everyone. I honestly don’t know why I watched this movie – I just happened to come across it on Netflix, and I thought, “Well, I like period pieces”. So I watched it. And oh-my-god-it-was-crap. I don’t even know what it’s about anymore. All I remember is that Robert Pattinson plays a poor Frenchman (at least I think he’s French) who works his way up to the top of the social hierarchy via his penis. Yeah, he just has sex with a bunch of women. And the women keep getting older the further he gets along, from Nymphadora Tonks to Christina Ricci and all the way up to Kristin Scott Thomas, he does them all. I read somewhere that someone thought this was Robert Pattinson’s best acting to date. Um…what movie were they watching? If they were watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, then okay, yeah, I get it. But…now I’m just confused. Maybe they were just joking.
Oh, that’s hilarious.
So here’s hoping that March brings on a much better set of movies. You know it’s not a good month when a remake of Footloose is the best thing you saw.